7 years abused as a child...
Then the years on Bourbon Street as a bouncer taking out the self hatred and all the pain while getting paid for it.
Love came to one who knew not how to. I self destructed them all. I subconsciously could not believe anyone would love me. So I tested them and tested and tested till they ran..
On Bourbon street I mastered my craft.. I learned the games and the rules. But Patty Purdue at PAPA Joes touched a part of me that has had me wondering amongst dreams of her for over 40 years now. She said she wished I was more aggressive as she walked out the door. What was I supposed to do beat the shit out of her like I did so many?
And the creator stepped in my life again. I got off the street - quelled the violence for almost 17 years.
Only to have my life change in a split second and become disabled..
Almost 18 years housebound. When my dogs suffered I put them down,,,,Why can that not happen for someone who has nothing left. No friends, no dreams, just pain....My true mate of these 63 years....
Yes there is suicide...but for some foolish reason I still hope for intimacy..Not sex...Just someone who is non gentle to hold on cold nights...
It is just too damn late..
In the past years sitting here thinking all my waking time I have learned compassion and empathy. I have learned empathy. I think I could love.....
But I would be a burden being physically disabled....
So every night I pray for my last breath.
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